My answer to the question that everyone wonders: You can certainly ask, but you have to let go of the outcome.
You can’t tell your partner how they must be or what they must do, any more than they can force you to change.
Part of the challenge (and fun!) in a long-term relationship is that we have to step outside our comfort zones, sometimes a little, and sometimes quite a bit. Learning to tolerate what we don’t love, and being open to change, helps us to be stronger and more resilient partners. And that is one of the keys to a successful relationship.
Of course it’s a great idea to seriously consider your partner’s requests, and to be generous. But there will be times when it is more important to you to follow your own standards than to adhere to your partner’s wishes.
When you let your partner down from a place of integrity rather than out of spite or anger, you give your partner good reason to understand your decision and to tolerate being disappointed.
Here’s a recent letter to my Washington Blade advice column on this issue.
Building Your Resilience in Challenging Times