Working as a couples therapist, I’ve had many people tell me over the years how difficult they think it is to have a happy relationship. “The divorce rate is over 50 percent”. “It’s so much work”. “If it’s this hard, something must be wrong.”
Here’s some very good news: The high divorce rate and the number of failed relationships you see around you need have no impact on the success of your own relationship.
While building and maintaining a healthy relationship takes effort, doing so is possible, and the ongoing challenge of finding creative and loving ways to handle tough challenges can actually be fun.
In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, here are my top suggestions for steps you can take to have a great relationship.
Please keep in mind that while these steps are simple in concept, they are not always easy to practice. So don’t get discouraged. And remember that if you consistently work at doing your best in your relationship, doing so will likely get easier over time.
• Strive to always have a sense of humor about how difficult relationships can be. We’re all different in big ways, so of course it’s hard to share your life with someone at times. If you can keep this in mind instead of thinking “this should be easy”, you will actually have a much easier time navigating the challenges of being coupled.
• Avoid wanting to be “right”. By this, I mean both trying to prove to your partner that you are right, and simply maintaining the belief in your mind that you are right. Wallowing in this belief gives you a sense of superiority, competition, and grievance, all of which are corrosive to your relationship. In addition: if there is a winner in the relationship, there is a loser, and that’s a terrible dynamic for a couple to have.
• Aim to be generous: Be open to saying “yes” to your partner’s requests whenever possible; endeavor not to keep score on who has been more generous; and make it a priority to support your partner’s happiness.
And at the same time:
• Have a boundary when necessary. When you say “no”, do so from your integrity, not from scorekeeping or spite. This means understanding why something is important to your partner, while at the same time being clear that something different is even more important to you that requires saying “no” to your partner’s request.
• Accept that disappointment is inevitable in every relationship. Because we are all different, we will at times see, understand, think, prioritize, and behave in ways that are very different from our partners, including on important matters. Therefore, it’s inevitable that we will occasionally be gravely disappointed in our partners, just as they will be gravely disappointed in us. That’s life. Accepting this truth can make it easier to bear.
• Advocate for what is important to you. Two caveats, though. First, you don’t want to weigh down the relationship with too many requests. Second, be prepared to not always get what you ask for. It is not your partner’s job to meet your every want.
• Don’t wait for your partner to make the first move when you want something to happen. If both of you are waiting for the other person to go first, nothing will happen. This includes (but is absolutely not limited to) apologies, initiating sex, planning vacations, and starting hard conversations.
On a related note:
• Focus on what you can do to improve a situation, rather than on what your partner is doing, is not doing, or should be doing. We don’t have much power over the other person, but we have a lot of power over ourselves.
If you are struggling in your relationship, feel free to reach out to me. I’ll be glad to work with you to help you build a stronger and more loving connection.
