Do you ever feel like you and your significant other are fighting too much?
Do you fight over idiotic issues, or basically have the same argument over and over?
If so–this letter to my monthly advice column is for you:
Michael:
Sometimes I think I’d like to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend Adam but other times he drives me absolutely crazy.
We get into these fights where he just refuses to see it my way.
He insists he’s right and digs in until I agree he has a point. He can never just agree with me or let it go.
The thing is, he doesn’t always have a point and if I won’t concede that he does, he says I don’t respect his intelligence.
Our fights range from Madonna’s talent (or lack thereof) to what is or isn’t ok to eat for breakfast, to whose job it is to take out the garbage, to what the best abs exercises are, to where we should go on vacation this summer, to whether recycling plastics accomplishes anything, to whether we should have sex in the morning or at night. I’m sick of it!
On the other hand, Adam is smart, funny, and super-hot.
Is it normal for couples to fight so much?
I don’t know why it’s so hard for him to see it my way sometimes.
Michael replies:
Sounds to me like you two are in an ongoing power-control struggle where one of you is continuously trying to influence the other (power move), and the other one is continuously refusing to be influenced (control move).
There’s nothing “wrong” with making power and control moves. We all do them, all the time. They’re part of every relationship: Writing this reply, I’m making a power move, in that I’m wanting to influence the way you think about your relationship. If you disagree with me, you’re making a control move by not accepting my influence. No problem at all: You don’t have to let me (or anyone) influence you.
The problems arise when these moves become the ongoing operating system of your relationship. One of you keeps telling the other person how to behave or think, or what is “correct”; and the other won’t agree, no matter what the issue. You each dig in. Warmth and collaboration go out the window. You can’t have a loving relationship when you’re mired in a power-control struggle.
The problem is not that you two see things differently.
That’s an unavoidable part of life. In any relationship, partners will at times have very different opinions, even about very important matters.
The problem is that you’re choosing to argue about it, to try to prove that you are right and the other person is wrong. He won’t see it your way and you won’t see it his way.
Notice that I’m putting you in the same boat as Adam. That’s because you’re joining him in this dynamic.
One thing you two can do to get out of this dynamic is to stop arguing about things that are a matter of opinion. It’s not possible to prove you’re right. Doing so just gets you dug in against each other.
In general, it’s a waste of time to argue about why you are right and your partner is wrong.
If you win the argument, your partner loses. And if one of you is the loser, you both lose because you wind up with a bitter relationship.
Instead, you could have fun enjoying the reality that each of you has very different opinions, even about very important things, and each of you has the job of figuring out how to live and generally be happy with someone who is different in some big ways from you.
If you each start letting yourself be influenced by your partner, even if you don’t always agree on what’s “best” or “right”, you’re going to open yourself up to all sorts of experiences, possibilities, and ways of looking at things that you hadn’t considered. That’s one of the great ways that relationships push us to grow.
If you think I have a point, I’m glad. You may decide you’d like to make some changes in your relationship. Remember, though, that Adam is his own person. Perhaps you’ll be able to influence him to consider a new way of approaching your differences, perhaps not.
That said, you have a lot of power over yourself. And if you decide you don’t want to keep getting stuck in power-control struggles, you can change this dynamic on your own simply by not participating. Not in a game-playing, “I’m right and you’re wrong” way, but by taking the position, over and over, that you two are different and sometimes see things differently, and you aren’t going to fight about who is right and who is wrong, because that isn’t going to get you anywhere good.
