For many years, I’ve told couples I work with that being married is like taking a very long journey by ship in a very small cabin. You know, the kind where the couch unfolds to be a bed, you have to step over your partner’s legs to get to the bathroom, and there’s no place to stow the suitcases. You have to find a way to stay calm, not drive each other crazy, and enjoy the voyage.
I’d never actually traveled by boat, so this was just my theory. So when my husband and I were lucky enough to take a journey up the Norwegian coast a few years back and had a cabin exactly as I’d envisioned (a.k.a. teeny), I discovered that I was right. Despite the unbelievably gorgeous scenery right outside our porthole, after a few days we could see how easy it would be to get irritable with each other.
Now here we all are in a much more difficult situation: Stuck at home, on top of each other, trying to do our jobs while taking care of children and companion animals, attempting to avoid an invisible enemy that could be anywhere. We can’t go out on deck to watch the gorgeous scenery float by. Instead, we’ve got the television to look at, keeping us posted about all the bad and scary news.
So it’s natural that as our nerves fray, we’re going to get irritated by our mates. They’re in the way. We don’t like their tone. They aren’t doing enough or responding when we ask a question. We feel like we’re the one doing everything.
It makes sense that we react like this at such a stressful time. But when we do, it’s all downhill from there. In our current predicament, we don’t have the usual escape outlets that let us take a break and come back to our spouses calmer, with a refreshed attitude and some perspective.
What to do?
Here are some simple strategies to help you, your significant other, and your relationship through this extraordinarily miserable period:
Don’t Point Fingers: Think about what you can do to make the situation better rather than focusing on what your spouse should be doing. And then do it. This is a great strategy even in normal times. Remember, we have very little power to get another person to do something, but lots of power over our own behavior. So if we want things to change, we should look first to ourselves.
Be Generous: Does your spouse feel strongly about something? Now is likely not the time to get into a struggle over whose say goes. Unless you have good reason to go in the other direction, be generous. Again, this is a policy worth adhering to when we get back to normal (soon, I hope!!!)
Take Responsibility for Soothing Your Own Anxiety: This is always a great idea, but especially now. Yes, when we’re worried about something it feels great to get a hug and be told everything will be ok. But right now, your partner is just as anxious as you are and likely without the bandwidth to soothe you. Moreover, none of us really know that everything will be ok.
So the best thing you can do when you’re anxious is look to yourself to find ways to keep as calm as you can, under the current circumstances: Meditation, slow deep breaths, whatever exercise you are able to do, striving to be in the present, working to accept uncertainty–these are all ways you may be able to help yourself feel even a little more calm.
And if you are able to reach out and offer your spouse some loving reassurance–even if none of us know how this will end–so much the better. It’s always a good idea to give your partner emotional support.
If you are struggling in your relationship during this difficult time, please feel free to reach out to me. I’ll be glad to work with you to help find ways to manage your stress and strengthen your relationship. During the coronavirus crisis I am available to meet with you via secure video.