“How can I ever get my partner to trust me after I cheated?”
I frequently hear this question from clients. Rebuilding trust is not a quick fix nor a guarantee. Here’s a recent letter from my Washington Blade advice column, together with my reply. I hope it will be helpful to you if you’re struggling to repair your relationship following an affair or encounter. And of course, feel free to contact me if you need help moving forward.
Michael,
I cheated on my boyfriend and I can’t get him to forgive me.
A few months ago I slept with another guy. I can’t really explain why I did it. Sam and I have had an agreement to be monogamous and I believe in monogamy.
Rick, the “other man” and I, have been long-time friends and it just happened. Rick is very attractive, I think he has a great personality, we were having dinner together and I’d had a bit too much to drink. We started making out and then left together and went to his place.
Unfortunately a friend of Sam’s saw us kissing at the restaurant and reported me to Sam. He confronted me and I confessed to everything (not just the kissing).
I am very disappointed in myself and I’ve communicated that, over and over, to Sam.
But, he continues to be angry with me. Every time I go out, he tells me to “behave”. He told me I can’t see Rick anymore and he has my “find my phone” feature activated so that he can always check my whereabouts. He also has all my passwords and periodically checks everything. It’s like being randomly drug-tested by my boyfriend.
On the one hand, I understand. I’ve destroyed his trust in me and I need to rebuild it.
On the other hand, it’s hard to live with his obvious contempt for me and his skepticism when I am trying to live up to a higher standard, going forward.
The truth is, I am starting to resent the constant scrutiny and contempt. I actually told him that and he blew up at me, telling me that I have no right to feel this way after hurting him as I have done.
Is one episode of infidelity really that bad?
According to Sam, yes—because I did it and didn’t tell him. He says he never would have known if his friend hadn’t told him about it, and this makes him wonder what else I’ve done, or might do.
All I can say is, I am contrite and told him everything I’d done when all he knew was that I had made out with someone. So I am wanting to be honest.
I don’t know how it’s possible to recover from this.
My reply:
You can’t have a loving relationship when one partner is the probation officer and the other partner is on probation. As you are finding, you wind up in a cesspool of resentment and suspicion.
Here’s an alternate approach:
First, focus on giving Sam reason to trust you, every hour and every day. This means behaving in a way that is trustworthy.
The big question: What constitutes trustworthy behavior?
Of course, you must consider Sam’s feelings and comfort level in deciding on how you should conduct yourself as his partner. But you can’t base your standard only on what Sam demands; and you can’t do everything he demands.
That’s what you’re doing now, with all the password-checking and location-tracking, and it’s leaving you angry, scared, demeaned, and second-guessing yourself. It’s also unbalancing your relationship, because rather than being two equal partners, one of you is subservient to the other.
One more problem: It’s a fact of life that when people are being watched, they are often tempted to find some way to “cheat”. I’m not saying that Sam’s surveillance should or will drive you to hook up again; but ongoing scrutiny can certainly lead people to want to hide things. That is not a good dynamic for an intimate relationship.
Here’s an alternate way to rebuild trust: Decide for yourself how you want to behave, what standards and limits have integrity for you (again, taking into great consideration what is important to Sam). Strive to live up to these standards. Continue to follow through, day after day. You will feel proud of yourself and solid in your belief that you are a person who is trustworthy.
This may take some time. I understand well that you broke Sam’s trust, and perhaps his heart. You have to build a track record for him to see that you are holding yourself accountable.
You may be facing a dilemma, as frequently happens in intimate relationships. They have a way of forcing us to make tough choices. If you do what you think is best to be a trustworthy partner, and if some of your choices violate Sam’s demands, Sam may end the relationship. On the other hand, ongoing scrutiny and cross-examination may be intolerable for you in a close relationship.
Explaining to Sam why it is important for you to have a boundary at times, in the interest of strengthening and developing a more loving relationship, may help him stretch beyond his comfort zone and respect your choices.
While I wrote this reply to the partner who strayed, there are important points for anyone in Sam’s position to consider in the interest of repairing a relationship following infidelity. I will address these in my next post.
